Marriage counseling for marital depression, conflict and anxiety by Dr. Heitler

From Conflict to Resolution
by Susan Heitler, Ph.D.

The Five Basic Conflict Strategies

Strategy	Canine Behavior	Human Equivalent	Emotional Results
Fight	Growing or biting each other for possesion of the bone.	Insisting on your preferred solution, without regard for your spouse's preferences. * Demanding, raising your voice or speaking in an irritated tone. * Blaming, accusing, criticizing. o Belittling your spouse's opinions to minimize their influence. * Passive-aggression, such as agreeing but not following through, sulking, and manipulating by guilt.	Anger
Submit	Allowing the other dog to take the bone, sitting or lying in a submissive posture, tail between your legs.	Yielding. Lowering your aspirations, settling for less than you want in order to keep the relationship. * Giving in or giving up.o Agreeing so as to end the conflict and keep the peace. * Surrendering to what your partner wants at the expense of your own preferences.	Depression, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness; excessive altruism.
Freeze	Hovering around the bone without definitive action.	Becoming immobilized, * Taking no action, using a wait-and-see approach. * Staying aware of a problem without gathering information or choosing a course of action.	Anxiety, passivity, feelings of panic.
Flee	Going on to something else rather than risking a fight.	Escaping withdrawing. * Leaving the scene of the conflict physically, or changing the topic. *Ceasing to talk, or escaping into drugs or other distractions.	Obsessional thinking, compulsive behaviors, such as drinking or eating disorders; denial.
Problem Solve	Dogs can't talk.	Seeking options that satisfy both of you.o Talking, listening, gathering information.o Generating options for mutually satisfying solutions.	Healthy feelings of well-being, a strong and loving marriage.

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From the book
From Conflict to Resolution
On shared decision making:

Barbara frames the problem. "Let's go out for dinner." When Charles expresses an opposing wish, "I'd rather fix dinner at home," the two proposals seem wholly incompatible. At that point the conflict seems to be heading toward a power struggle, toward positional bargaining. The outcome would then be a winner and a loser, that is, a zero sum game, or at best a compromise in which each side wins some and loses some.

Instead of proceeding with a contest of wills, Charles and Barbara follow an alternative route, a cooperative route. Their transition is accomplished by shifting the discussion to the level of concerns. Barbara wants food that is fast, light, in a cheerful place, and without kitchen work. Charles wants to relax at home, to see the TV news. Both Charles and Barbara strongly want their concerns to be met; their initial positions were suggested as a means to that end. But instead of becoming over attached to their specific, initially suggested solutions, they overcome this temptation and switch to clarification of their underlying concerns. Solutions may be incompatible; concerns seldom are.

Once Charles and Barbara understand their underlying concerns, solutions easily become apparent. They enjoy an easy meal at home; Charles handles the preparation and cleanup; Barbara enjoys the kitchen brightness; Charles enjoys the TV news; both are pleased.

From Conflict to Resolution

Psychotherapy in Private Practice
"This is the book about how to do therapy I wish I had written (and also wish I could have written), but am happy just the same that someone has finally written it. Susan Heitler has done something many of us have been saying needs to be done properly, namely: to write a book about therapy which really does integrate diverse theories of personality, psychotherapy, and relationships and gives clear, specific guidelines for intervening and dealing with most of the major problems faced in everyday therapeutic practice. She has done it all, and done it in a manner which shows an outstanding grasp of the therapeutic process and what it may take to get people to change....I am not usually given to superlatives, but this book calls them forth. Heitler has established herself as a leader in what is evolving as an extraordinarily valuable integration of systems perspectives, cognitive and behavioral methodologies, and traditional views of personality and therapy."

James Flanders, Ph.D., the Vicksburg Clinic
"Quite simply, it is the best clinical psychology book I have ever read ... a seminal work."

Psychotherapy in Private Practice
"Heitler has established herself as a leader in what is evolving as an extraordinarily valuable integration of systems perspectives, cognitive and behavioral methodologies, and traditional views of personality and therapy."

Contemporary Psychology
"Heitler has a sense of moral responsibility. Her work goes beyond the 'getting in touch with yourself' of the 'me generation' to deal with issues of inter-relatedness ... to move beyond the use of aggression to win and instead channel that energy to develop ways of working together."

"This book exemplifies the best of therapy."

"... the clear style of writing and conceptualizing in this book, along with the wonderful array of approaches for problem solving make this a book with much to offer."

British Journal of Psychiatry

"... this is a modern, refreshing book ... a highly commendable read for all therapists, particularly those striving to practice in what they hope is an integrated way."

Psychotherapy
"... a comprehensive model of clinical work, a single framework capable of embodying all types of therapy with all types of clients ... The dramatic scope emerges as startlingly modern."

"... for some time now the myriad voices of eclecticism have cried for a serviceable infrastructure, a defensible and robust strategy for the integration of endlessly proliferating techniques. Heitler has given us such a framework. It arrives in the deceptively simple, pleasingly familiar, concept of conflict."

Donald K. Freedheim, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology, Case Western Reserve University
"Heitler draws from a broad range of theoretical frameworks to produce a highly useful text ... replete with pertinent case examples that help illustrate the author's sensible approach ..."

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